Bathroom Etiquette

"Just The Facts"
110 percent of the craps taken in a public restroom are diarrhea. Ten percent wind up outside of the toilets.
Trying to fart without someone hearing is impossible and pointless because someone else always walks in as soon as the last person walks out.
Gas stations bathrooms should only be entered if you are on fire or in a zombie movie, and there isn't another door within miles.
"Landmarks, Hazards and Annoyances"
Everyone who has ever used a public restroom knows what to expect to find. Anyone who has not used one is a weirdo, and is one of the six luckiest people on Earth.

Public restrooms always have at least a few instances of ...

Graffiti - Definitely the highlight of a field trip to the crapper. This can be compared to anything from cave paintings to a rolodex of escort service numbers, dependent on the store/gas station/strip club that you're at. You'll see at least 50 randomly drawn or carved curse words, unimaginable artwork, several dudes' numbers, your mom's number, and sometimes an actual conversation.
Turdffiti - The worst thing you can find in a bathroom. Same as graffiti, but drawn with poop. If you discover a turdffiti drawing, call a hazmat team to cleanse the area and yourself....or, if you did it, call a mental institution and commit yourself.

Floor Turd - This is a nice, self-explanatory surprise that you find laying on the floor of a stall, or sometimes even out in the open. This is the typically done by people who are extremely drunk, or want to make a janitor cry.

Pee Gel - Describes the coagulated layer of urine present on every public restroom floor. Many bathrooms have drains on the floor, which are pretty much just there to mock you, as they are no help against pee that has turned to Jello.

Glory Hole - Where perverts live. A glory hole is a hole cut in the wall or between stalls meant for both peeping and spreading sexually transmitted diseases.

Germ mounds - Literal piles of germs. These actually only appear in the worst bathrooms. If you see something moving across the floor and it's not a bug, it's probably a germ mound. These usually accompany some sort of congealed bodily fluid.

Log Paper - Sometimes there will be toilet paper available. However, when there is, you'll still wipe your ass with your sock. Public toilet paper is a combination of wood, pine cones, ass hairs and steel wool.

Inhabitants
There are also many abnormal people that dwell within a public restroom to avoid. They include, but are not limited to:

Talkers - Complete strangers that talk to you or others while you're using the bathroom. There are many types, including phonetalkers (see below). Never talk to any of them.

Stalltalkers -

People that talk to you from within a stall. They are creepier than normal talkers, as you can not see what they are doing.

Phonetalkers - Texting or using mobile web on the toilet in public is fine...it does not reveal you to be disgusting. However, there are people who find it necessary to share the sounds of straining with their friends. These are phonetalkers.

Creepers - These are usually curious little kids, but can also be a type of pervert. These are people that look or even climb under or over a stall at you. If you encounter one, put your foot on their face and push them out.


"Terminology, Appearance, and Composition"
In most places on Earth, people just call Public Restrooms "Public Toilets." In Britain, Hong Kong and Australia, they are sometimes informally called "Public Loos." Rarely, you may still hear an old guy call it a "Public Lavatory."

There are six types of public restrooms. Restaurant and Store Restrooms are unpredictable, as anything can happen. Usually though, you can gauge these based on the quality of the restaurant/store and whether or not there is a bar and/or liquor. Gas Station Bathrooms are the worst bathrooms that are actually within an establishment that doesn't serve alcohol, and are always a minefield of all of your worst nightmares. Port-A-Johns are usually found at temporary places like carnivals or construction sites. In one of these toilets, you get to poop into a blue lake of other people's waste, which even if it's 10-feet below, always feels like its going to rub up against your butt while you're on the seat. Rest Areas are only found along highways, and are the most ripe with perverts and talkers.

Finally there are the True Public Toilets (TPTs). These are permanent, standalone fixtures meant for your crapping displeasure.


Public toilets (excluding TPTs and Port-a-Johns) are typically separated into Men's, Women's, and occasionally a unisex bathroom for the handicapped or those who prefer privacy. Men's restrooms have urinals, causing them to have significantly more urine on the floor or unflushable craps in the urinals. Some restrooms have vending machines, do not eat from them.

"Automation and the Future"
With the future already here, much of the modern Public Restroom is automated. Sinks, toilets, urinals, even soap and paper towel dispensers do your job for you. However, these things always do this worse than you do. Toilets constantly flush while you're sitting on them, giving your ass a disease car wash. They also refuse to flush when you actually get up to wipe yourself, prompting you to push the button anyway. Sinks have a dick move programmed into them, as they automatically shut off after a certain length of time. Soap dispensers on the wall are fine, but some places install them on the sink, prompting them to constantly squirt shit on your hands while you're already washing them. One day all of this will be perfected and the Public Restroom will be forever grateful.

Whatever happens, there will always be a hint of doubt, as the world will always have a bountiful supply of creeps and weirdos to give us all Paruresis. Nonetheless, public restrooms will always be a necessity for the occasional post-Taco Bell ass bomb.